what if's, maybe's and if only's

it's late at night and it's pouring down with rain outside. i can hear the onset of a thunderstorm.
i've realised i've just spent the last half an hour or so, looking at past photos, and reminiscing while i have depressing ballads playing. and there's just been so much that i've been thinking about recently, especially on those late nights in bed when i'm struggling to fall asleep.

it surprises me how fast a year goes. it has been 10 months since the last time i met up with him, and 10 months since he has been with his current girlfriend. it has been over a year since we've been "together", and yet, even now i still find myself thinking about it, thinking about what happened, and thinking about what would have changed if i had done something, or if i hadn't done something. sometimes, i feel that i should have made a move when i had the chance. i mean, considering the way we are now, how we never see each other, never talk to each other, how we're barely even friends anymore, it's as if i'd have nothing to lose if i did take a chance. maybe if i did take the chance, it wouldn't matter if it didn't work out between us, because either way, we don't even talk now anyway. like they say, better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. right?

do i still like him? no. i think i'm past that stage now. and especially now that he has a girlfriend. in my mind, if a guy has a girlfriend; back off. period. but do i miss him? a little. or maybe it's not him i miss, but moreso i miss what we had. i say we were "together", but really, we never were. it's funny to think that we've done so many things together that most boyfriends and girlfriends do, but we were never together. i think that's what i miss the most. he's the closest thing i've had to a boyfriend, and i guess, it would be nice if i could have someone who i can share those experiences with again.